It seems now that masculinity or the absence of it is being judged by the choice of car. Buy an EV and instead of being climate friendly, you are apparently being effeminate (unless of course you are already a woman and then it is absolutely okay). My husband sent me this insta reel which was shared in his ‘boys’ group. It talked about how EVs are bought by weak men and I was really dumbstruck – actually provoked! And then my son piped up and told me that this is not just India – apparently this idea is being ‘popularised globally’ (America I suppose!). Clearly, I score a zero on social medial engagement and have no idea of the  nonsense being propagated on the internet.

Anyway, coming back to the reel. (I won’t share the link, coz last thing I want is to promote it.) The reel went on an on talking about how EVs are for weak men – because apparently EVs made things easier – the car drives for them, parks for them, thinks for them…. And me thinks – you really want discomfort – go get a bullock cart – or why not a horse? Now those were really masculine men, riding horses through wilderness, mountains, tough climates and what not…. Right? And you think driving a fossil fuel car shows your love for risk, noise and discomfort? And therefore, makes you more masculine? More manly??!!!

My god! This triggered me so much!!!! Hahaha! As if the world was not already divided into male vs female. As if our poor men were already not being judged for their levels of masculinity – “mard ka bachcha” “mard ko dard nahi hota” (a real man does not feel pain) – and now they are even being judged by their choice of cars! I am so thankful that my husband and son are far removed from these notions.

Anyway, now that my venting is done, I want to get into a more serious discussion. Is masculinity so fragile that it needs to be constantly defended? How did masculinity become something that can be threatened by a car… a colour (pink..)…a teardrop?

Why does masculinity need to be constantly defended?

While researching the internet, I came across the concept of ‘precarious manhood’. The basic idea is that, in many societies, being a man is seen as something you have to earn – and then keep proving. You are expected to demonstrate that you are strong enough, successful enough, tough enough, or masculine enough, and there is always the fear of somehow falling short.

Womanhood, on the other hand, is often seen as something that happens more naturally through biological milestones. A girl eventually becomes a woman; but a boy, in many cultures, is expected to somehow prove that he has become a “real man.”

Research by psychologists Joseph Vandello and Jennifer Bosson found that when men feel they have failed at something they associate with masculinity, they can experience it as a threat to their identity. In some of their experiments, this even led to more aggressive thoughts.

In other words, if you have been taught that being a man is something you constantly have to prove, then almost anything can start to feel like a test of whether you are “man enough.”

The price we pay…

And hence no surprises that we have a men’s mental health crisis on our hands. If being a “real man” is something that must constantly be demonstrated, then you can imagine the burden. If men are constantly told they must be strong/independent/successful/ emotionally controlled/physically tough/financially capable/sexually confident/ protective/resilient then struggling can feel like a personal failure rather than a normal human experience putting enormous pressure on mental health. And for the same reasons men needing support would not be willing to ask for help.

Which is why a much lower percentage of men receive mental health care compared to women. And even worse than that – did you know that more men die by suicide than women? Surprised? Shouldn’t be. Data shows that globally, death by suicide occurred about 1.8 times more often among males than among females while in the Western world, males die by suicide three to four times than women.

In US this is being called a silent crisis. But at least it is being recognized. I couldn’t find much data on men’s mental health in India, which is unfortunate because unless one understands the magnitude of the problem, it is difficult to address it.

Someone always profits from our insecurity….

In a way men are being sold fear, insecurity… imagine constantly being fed phrases like:

“Be tougher.” “Earn more.” “Lift heavier.” “Never cry.” “Never ask for help (nor directions).” “Never look weak.” “Drive the right car.” “Drink the right drink (not a cocktail). And on and on….

Masculinity, the concept of it, is a social construct. It reflects how a particular society, at a particular point in history, expects men to behave. And in our times, masculinity is what our politicians, corporates, advertisers and influencers decide. Remember they are all benefiting when you toe their line, you are just being a puppet.

Do you know that high heels were once worn by men? Pink was once associated with male power. Men in 18th-century Europe wore makeup, wigs, lace, jewellery and brightly coloured clothing. In many cultures, men wear robes, skirts or sarongs. In some societies, men openly hold hands, kiss and show affection to male friends. The ideal male body has changed repeatedly across history.

So, please, my dear “real” men: don’t fall for this kind of propaganda or marketing. Be man enough – ha ha – to decide for yourselves what you like, what you want, and who you are, rather than allowing someone else to sell you a version of masculinity designed to serve their interests.

Let me know what you think – and do share with other men and boys you know. Let’s lift the pressure off them.

Related post on Suicide

Lately, I Have Been Thinking of Suicide

This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla
in collaboration with Mister Tikku.

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