I am sitting in an empty house right now. Other than the hum of my housekeeper going about her daily chores, the occasional screech of the seagull outside my window, the hum of the fan and the click clack on my laptop keypad, there’s complete silence. It is almost impossible to believe that just over a month ago, this house was full of noise and laughter of 14 people! Yes, you read right, I had 14 people at my house – my lovey large family – and the house was a din of activity and noise. Children running through the rooms – screaming, adults trying unsuccessfully to control them – ending up screaming!! I don’t know what was louder – kids making noise or us adults scolding them!
Then one by one, everyone left. Two days ago, Arnav also flew back to India. And now, it seems even my house is in a state of shock, wondering where all that noise that once reverberated through its walls has disappeared.
The coexistence of yearning and contentment
But the human brain is funny – it could both like and dislike the same thing at the same exact time. So, while my heart yearns for my babies, my husband and mom, it also welcomes this peaceful existence! I take deep breaths, put on a romcom and just be! And let my mind wander. It ends up being a time of reflection and gathering my energies. In a way it helps that I am alone.
And with this newfound peace of mind, my thoughts naturally turn to writing – communicating with you, my reader. It has been a couple of months since I wrote. No surprises there – I have been crazy busy, the last six months especially – travelling every other week. Leaving no time or mind space to write. But that does not mean I didn’t have ideas or thoughts on what to write. The mind was constantly bubbling, thinking about the latest thought I would like to pen down. I read a book, I want to discuss it with you. There is an interesting discussion on a whatsapp group, I want to let you in on it.
I have actually missed you! Missed sharing my thoughts, missed hearing back from you. Even if I don’t know you, the fact that you are reading my words right now, creates a link between us. Our minds have connected. You, my reader are a very important part of my life.
As I enjoy my solitude, I reflect on recent discussions on loneliness with friends, in group chats, in books I read recently. I have always distinguished between loneliness and solitude. While I consider loneliness a negative emotion, linked to a degree of sadness, solitude on the other hand spells contentment to me. A certain wholeness of the self. And I have always welcomed it. Even as a child I loved times when I was alone at home, peacefully reading or drawing or just enjoying music.
Two sides of the same coin
And you know, loneliness and solitude are but two sides of the same coin. They are housed together in the same person, at the same time. Loneliness is not always about having company. You could be in a relationship and still be lonely. You could have a lot of friends and still be lonely. Loneliness perhaps is just the absence of being understood, of being unable to share your thoughts, your emotions, the lack of someone who understands. The feeling that you are not seen, not known, or not significant in the eyes of those around you. It is the absence of a meaningful connection.
When loneliness found me
I remember when I moved out of India, I left behind my social circle, my colleagues who had become friends, my entire professional network, in many ways my identity. I had to start from scratch. In a new country – where I did not know the language. There was no lack of excitement, everything was new, I loved my job, it was fulfilling. I loved my new city, enthralled by the new experiences. But underneath that all, there was always a sense of discomfort, a certain hollowness at the pit of my stomach. I never really understood it. Till a few years later, when I friend of mine moved and I asked her how well she had settled. She said that while her kids were quick to settle, she was taking time – it was tough to have left behind everything and everyone.
Then the penny dropped. What I had been feeling was isolation. Starting from scratch might have been stimulating – but that didn’t take care of the fact that you remained an outsider. You couldn’t merely walk into an office conversation – because it was in a language you didn’t understand – you couldn’t laugh at the jokes being cracked around – you couldn’t just network at a conference unless you had an interpreter with you. Was not easy to simply make friends with locals because, well, you just couldn’t talk to them! But finally, when I understood what was bothering me, I decided to make amends especially when I moved to another country. Because loneliness can be corrosive – it can gnaw at your self image, self confidence.
Can we ever escape loneliness?
No. I don’t think one can ever completely avoid being lonely. As my friend Manish says, “No amount of money, relationships or luxuty can fill the void inside of us” No one can ever fully understand you – you are only one who can truly understand what you are going through or feeling. Your friends, your soulmate, your family can be there for you, protect you, support you, but you are ultimately living your own life, feeling your feelings, experiencing your joys and pains.
So do not be afraid to be alone. Solitude can be a source of immense strength. It can be a time to reflect, to understand ourselves a little better, to grow, or simply to do things we enjoy. Reading a good book, sitting quietly in nature, thinking, creating, or even just letting our minds wander. Solitude brings a sense of peace. It comes from being comfortable in our own company and finding contentment within ourselves. Solitude refreshes us. It gives us the space to pause, recharge, and heal ourselves.
Make room for solitude
I just want to leave you with two thoughts. Firstly, I don’t think we can ever fully eliminate loneliness from our lives. It will come and go. Perhaps we just need to learn to embrace solitude more than we are scared of loneliness.
And finally, I was watching this movie – P.S. I love you – and in the end Holly’s mother tells her, “If we are all alone, then we are together in that too”. I found comfort in that thought – we are all perhaps never as alone as we might think. Loneliness and solitude are both part of being human – they coexist in us. We just need to give solitude more space.
If you are looking for some inspiration, check out some of my posts here and I would especially recommend the following:
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla
in collaboration with Mister Tikku.
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Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
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These thoughts resonate with me. While I need my time alone, I also like to be with a lot of people around me, albeit not permanently. They should come and go. As I age, the Solitude, the need to talk less is what I desire. But I guess, both are required in equal measure. After all, we are humans; we will be social in a way.
Yes that’s exactly how it is with me 😊
Nice one..
i believe- To be alone is not always to be lonely. Loneliness seeks company; solitude discovers contentment within.
Yes exactly! Thanks for reading,
The way I look at it : Solitude we choose and Loneliness is exogenous impacted through others or just chemically when our adrenaline stops flowing after excitement of having people/ activities around.
Yes true 🙂
You are right when you differentiate, solitude and loneliness. One can be lonely in a large family or a huge gathering. Then solitude is something you treasure and thrive in. But for me it has been 20 years of living alone. Do i need solitude? Do i let the loneliness gnaw at me? I keep myself motivated but I wonder how long I will last. Loneliness is a disease like cancer. It eats you up slowly.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts…. True, loneliness can be corrosive. I felt that impact despite being surrounded by people. I don’t suppose I can even imagine living alone for 20 years… I do have friends who live alone… But perhaps none as long as you. No easy answers… It is inspiring how you have kept yourself motivated. Hugs.
I resonate with the thought that loneliness in not just about being alone, but more felt when you are unable to communicate or share your thoughts.
I like being alone. We are four people in the house and I feel it gets too crowded at times. But I guess, as a mom, not having your children around can be lonesome. However, solitude is rejuvenating and refreshing.
I loved the honesty in this post. It’s both comforting and thought-provoking. A beautifully expressed reminder that solitude and loneliness aren’t always the same.
Guess all of us have this disparate feelings within us. I feel too much of anything is the problem. Too much of people’s company and too much of aloneness
This was inspiring at the same time thought provoking. I enjoy my solitude but wonder when I’m lonely
A house in “a state of shock” after 14 people left is such a beautiful way to describe the silence that follows a full home. Your definition of loneliness as the absence of being understood, rather than the absence of company, is what struck me most; it explains why one can feel it in a crowd or in a new country where you simply can’t join the joke being cracked around you. I could resonate with this as I had to leave my city and start everything from zero in another city.
Yes if you have moved a city, you would then understand
This is a lovely and warm article – you have shared so truly both sides of the discussion that goes on in most of our minds, and how, there is a positive aspect too.
I resonate to this so much. These days, I yearn for some alone time with the toddler tantrums and chaos in the house 24/7. Loneliness is sometimes a blessing too.
I hear you!
That line distinguishing loneliness from solitude, one seeking company, the other finding contentment within, really stuck with me. And ending on “if we are all alone, then we are together in that too” was such a comforting note to close on.
Loneliness for me a is a mode which allows you to think of self. Sometimes I really crave for loneliness and pray to get some time out for being lonely, only with me. It gives me new ways to think for self love, growth and transformation. Loneliness is a need of life and not a punishment.
I could feel the shift from a house full of laughter to complete silence. There’s something so comforting about the way you describe solitude, not as emptiness, but as a space to reconnect with yourself. Beautifully written.
Thank you!