When I got a call for admission for my post graduate studies, it was a bittersweet moment for us. Kapil and I had been going out for about a year and this meant staying in different cities for at least two years. Just the thought of it made our hearts sink.

If you are familiar with young love, you would know how desperate and passionate it is. An all-consuming, exhilarating, intoxicating love that makes you feel everything with an intensity that mature love can rarely manage! (oooh I miss those days!)

At the height of those emotions, not seeing each other for even a day was tough to imagine and here we were talking about separation for years…. In those days of long distance calls from STD booths (pay phones)…our hearts ached at the thought of how we will survive this self-imposed exile.

Not to mention the dire warnings from friends that long distance love hardly ever survives, and we might as well just be saying goodbye forever. “She is going to do an MBA, you are a designer – she will earn much more than you – how do you think this will survive”, his friends told him. “You know that no previous relationships survive here – you are bound to find a new boyfriend in the two years you spend studying here”, opined a senior when I joined my new alma mater. Another classmate studied my palm (palmistry) and declared that ours was not a love that would survive.

Needless to say, we were scared, desperately missing each other and the last thing we wanted to hear was that this will not work out. But it only made our resolve of making it through the distance stronger.

Long story short, 23 years later, I am writing this blog on our 18^th wedding anniversary. So, we did survive and perhaps the best song that characterizes our love is Shania Twain’s “You are Still the One”. I loved that song then (was my mantra) and love it now.

Of these 23 years, we have spent almost 10 years away from each other. Except for the first year, all of our courtship was in different cities. (When I joyously accepted my first job offer to come back to Delhi, Kapil received his call of admission for post graduate studies in Gujarat – a state that I had just spent my last two years in! we literally crossed each other!). Then three years into our married life, I moved to Bombay for a new job and now we have graduated to living in different countries since 2019!

I am stating the obvious when I say that it was not easy. Different stages of our relationship brought different challenges, but we managed to stick together. And now, I suppose, we are becoming ‘pros’ in the field of distance relationships! So let me dispense some ‘wise’ words today to those wondering whether “distance makes hearts grow stronger” or “out of sight, out of mind”!

Trust: Trust of course is the basis of any relationship and much more so when distance comes in between. Establishing that trust early on in the relationship is key because then it becomes the bedrock of your relationship over the years to come. It is important to understand your partner’s doubts and insecurities so that they can be addressed. There is no formula to build trust, but transparency, reliability and open communication are key ingredients. And so are ‘not jumping to conclusions’ and ‘assuming best intent’. Provide a secure environment for your partner to express themselves openly and honestly.

Communication: open and honest communication are again important for any relationship and with all the technology at our hands today, it is much easier. Cut to 20+ years ago, Kapil and I had only the occasional STD calls at our hand. Emails had begun so that was one added mode of communication in those early days. I also used to write a diary ‘to him’ – which made me feel like I was talking to him. Which he would read whenever we met!

Later on, it became easier when both of us had mobile phones and now with video calls at the press of a button, it has become much easier to be in touch. That does not mean that less effort is required – the quality of conversations is more important than the quantity. Sharing your thoughts and listening attentively to your partner’s concerns, feelings, and experiences is very important and if you feel that the quality of communication is going down, it is a red flag and needs to be addressed by both asap.

Shared vision of the future: when a couple decides to live apart, usually it is to achieve a shared vision. You are studying for a better future, or you have found the job of your dreams. Ultimately both partners need to see this as an investment into a shared future and personal growth of both. This helps in providing a sense of purpose and direction for the relationship. In our case, both of us feel that our current situation is working well not only for us but for our kids too. They are getting the kind of exposure we would like them to have and are also developing a resilience and independence we would like them to have.

Making up for physical absence: technology hasn’t reached the level where we can share hugs and kisses through time and distance. Well, who knows what we might have in the near future, but till then we make do with what we have! Deeper, more meaningful conversations, surprises and gifts (big hint to Kapil here), virtual dates or movie nights! Sometimes for instance we try to watch the same series or movies and share our thoughts on the same. Plus of course loads and loads of videos and pictures to share our everyday experiences helps us in staying involved in each other’s lives! Even an online game of scrabble could make you feel connected!

Plan visits: of course, there is nothing like physical presence so work and finances permitting, try to meet each other as often as possible. There is a special kind of joy in planning trips and then waiting for D-Day to arrive! Looking forward to the trip can sometimes be as rewarding as the trip itself! (I will be meeting him in a little more than a month and the excitement and anticipation has already begun!!)

Maintain Independence: remember that there is more to you than this relationship. Encourage each other to pursue individual interests and maintain a sense of independence. It’s important to have a life outside of the relationship. Each of you should have your own work, friends, interests and hobbies. Your partner should not be your only source of happiness and fulfilment. That can be a recipe for disaster even for relationships that are not long distance. A sense of self and individuality should always be maintained in a long-distance relationship.

Don’t give up: know even before starting this journey that it is not going to be easy. There will be moments of frustration, loneliness, and longing. And therefore, a strong resolve is required right from the beginning. Maintain a positive mindset and outlook, even during difficult times. In tough times, try to sort out the differences and challenges mindfully. Focus on the strengths of your relationship and look forward to the future together. Keep the right intent at all times. In short, remain committed to each other and the relationship. Understand that the distance is temporary, and your love can withstand the challenges. We had our share of challenges – different challenges at different stages of our relationship – what helped was our focus on resolving the issues as best as possible.

Love that is uplifting and not restrictive

Often times we latch on, hold on to the person we love. We can’t bear to be away from them, and our love becomes restrictive. It might sound like deep love in the beginning, but when it starts to restrict the choices people make in life, this bond becomes a bondage. Stifling. I think what has worked well for us is that we have respected and honoured each other’s ambitions and choices and also encouraged the other’s tough choices. And we are not alone in this – I know many couples who have done that and enjoy their strong relationship.

There are actually many benefits to a long-distance relationship. It strengthens the bond and makes couples appreciate their time together even more. Absence of one’s partner makes people value their presence and importance even more. Communication becomes more meaningful and deeper as couples prioritise important topics and mundane conversations or petty spats are reduced. We had just completed the third year of our marriage and were still settling in with each other, when I moved to Bombay. That move helped us forget the small bickering we had got used to and brought back the longing that we had experienced at the early stages of our relationship!

Just like I said – distance can actually make hearts grow fonder! With that, let me end here and do share your experience of a long distance relationship!

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Thanks so much for reading! Please comment, share and spread the word! 

Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
You can find me at:
Blog: https://tripleamommy.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/tripleamommmyInsta: https://www.instagram.com/tripleamommmy/ FB page: https://www.facebook.com/Tripleamommy-2101887313189940
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Do consider buying my book “Raising Capable Children” that shares hundreds of tips and ideas on bringing up confident children. See below for buying options.

India – Amazon: https://amzn.to/3j3QSrx ; Flipkart: https://www.flipkart.com/raising-capable-children/p/itm2134c13e7108f?pid=9789390267033; Firstcry: https://www.firstcry.com/StoryMirror/StoryMirror-Raising-Capable-Children-English/8472753/product-detail?q=as_raising%20capable%20children

For US and UK- https://www.amazon.com/dp/939026703X ; https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/939026703X

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Thanks so much for reading! Please comment, share and spread the word! 

Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
You can find me at:
Blog: https://tripleamommy.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/tripleamommmyInsta: https://www.instagram.com/tripleamommmy/ FB page: https://www.facebook.com/Tripleamommy-2101887313189940
Pinterest: https://in.pinterest.com/tripleamommmy/

Do consider buying my book “Raising Capable Children” that shares hundreds of tips and ideas on bringing up confident children. See below for buying options.

India – Amazon: https://amzn.to/3j3QSrx ; Flipkart: https://www.flipkart.com/raising-capable-children/p/itm2134c13e7108f?pid=9789390267033; Firstcry: https://www.firstcry.com/StoryMirror/StoryMirror-Raising-Capable-Children-English/8472753/product-detail?q=as_raising%20capable%20children

For US and UK- https://www.amazon.com/dp/939026703X ; https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/939026703X