It is 11.30 at night – late but not so late that I should be bone tired and ready to drop off to sleep anytime. And why am I so tired? Because last night I came back from attending a close family wedding and if you are an Indian or have attended an Indian wedding, you will know what I mean. Even though we are a very diverse people – and the customs and nitty gritties of the wedding rituals across India are quite different from each other, I can confidently say that all of them are long tiring affairs and at the same time absolutely fun to be part of!
My own wedding and those of my sister’s, cousins’ and close friends’ had happened 15-20 years ago and it had been a while since we had a wedding in next of kin. and we were all looking forward to the fun, music and entertainment. The entire four-day affair kept taking me back to my own wedding and those of my friends and cousins. And now that my mind is full of snapshots of weddings, let me take you through some of those.
The anticipation
This wedding was a family affair on my husband’s side, and the excitement started building up weeks in advance. With me being in another country, my husband took charge of our family shopping. Together with his mother, they went on a whirlwind shopping spree, bouncing from one shop to another. We had video calls at every stop to pick out the perfect outfits for ourselves and the kids. This also involved going through the treasure of sarees collected (rarely worn) over the years, choosing the ones right for the occasion and ordering new ones. And don’t get me started on the jewelry – every piece meticulously matched with the sarees! My husband even rediscovered his love for formal wear and had bespoke clothes tailored. The end result? A sight to behold!
Selecting the perfect gift!
Now choosing the gift is not an easy decision and has multiple dimensions. In India we don’t follow the simple method of the gift registry. So the decision is like participating in a high-stakes game show where one has to achieve a delicate balance between tradition and practicality. Should we go with the timeless gift of a precious metal, or jewelry or opt for the latest kitchen gadget that might actually get used? And let’s not forget the endless debates over the perfect combination of cash and gold—because nothing says ‘congratulations’ like a little financial security wrapped in shiny metal!!
You also need to have a memory like an elephant because you need to remember what you gave to other relatives years ago – because you see one has to maintain a certain equality! One of my aunts for instance, gave exactly the same type of jewelry sets to all the brides in her close family over the years.
And finally, while the gift is meant for the newly wed couple, it is very very important to think about what the other relatives will think of the gift! Because all gifts are opened and displayed to the whole family!!
While on the topic of gifts, let also talk about the other gifting that happens! A lot of gifts are given and exchanged and everything is displayed for the rest to see. I remember when a day before my wedding, family from husband’s side came to visit us and displayed all the sarees and jewelry that were being gifted to me!! Our entire side came to see the display! This time, I was the one that led the bandwagon and took the gifts for the girls family to see! There is much love in this – each gift wrapped and decorated beautifully and lovely messages written for the bride on each of them.
The Wedding
Indian weddings are a grand affair – regardless of the economic status. Everyone does their best in whatever means they have. Steeped in tradition and festivity, the celebrations span three to four days of non-stop celebration, in a whirlwind of rituals, ceremonies, and festivities that leave both guests and participants utterly exhausted.
We drove ten hours from Delhi to Bhilwara taking a break in between at Jaipur. Needless to say, we were dog tired by the time we reached but all the fatigue melted as soon as we got out of the car and were greeted with loud music and dance!
The next morning started with festivities, customs and rituals which went on non- stop for 3 days till we welcomed the bride! There were 2-3 functions every day which meant a change of clothes and jewelry every time!! Each day brought with it a flurry of activity and emotion – on day one we were all left emotional as the groom’s maternal grandmother and mother cried through the ceremony. I also remembered a cousin’s wedding where she cried through her entire mehendi function – I suppose the thought of leaving her family left her bereft.
And finally the wedding itself! I still don’t know why, but often the muhurt (the ausipicious time) for the wedding ceremony is late night or midnight. So, the guests come and wish the bride and groom, have their dinner and leave. For the actual ceremony only a handful of close friends and relatives are left. I don’t know how but after all the merry making, we still find the energy to stay awake all night for the ceremony! I guess the adrenaline and laughter and giggles keep us awake!
By the time the final ceremony concludes, everyone is left feeling physically drained but emotionally uplifted.
But behind the glitter lie age old patriarchal norms
However much I enjoy Indian weddings, there are many customs and rituals that I am very uncomfortable with. To begin with, usually it is not a marriage between equals. There’s often an underlying expectation for the bride’s family to provide substantial dowries and lavish gifts to the groom’s family as also a larger financial burden on the bride’s family for all the festivities. Thankfully, in my close family we have neither given or received dowry, but the culture is rampant.
Small systems such as the bride bringing gifts for even the extended family when she comes to the groom’s house have always left me wondering why the groom’s family does not reciprocate with gifts for the bride’s extended family. In one ceremony, the family of the mother of the bride/groom gives gifts to the family of the bride/groom’s father! The inequality continues even after years of marriage!
And then often in the quest to outdo one another and uphold societal expectations, families often find themselves caught in a whirlwind of extravagance. Opulent venues, designer clothing, lavish food, dancers from Ukraine – you name it and it would have been done in some wedding. The wedding industry in India is quite huge, but it becomes a problem when people take unnecessary financial burden just to show off their wealth. Of course we have torch bearer such as the Ambanis who recently conducted a pre-wedding event rumoured to have cost a 1000crore INR (~USD135 million).
To Conclude
Lastly, I want to express my love for Indian weddings, which serve as a wonderful gathering place for reuniting with relatives and friends, and fostering closer bonds within families. At this recent wedding, I had the pleasure of meeting some of my husband’s cousins whom I had only heard about, and it was heartwarming to see our children form strong friendships and revel in the festivities together. The whirlwind of joy and celebration that accompanies these weddings is truly unparalleled.
However, I do hope that people remain mindful of their financial limitations and avoid excessive spending. Moreover, I believe it’s important for weddings to evolve towards greater equality in customs and traditions. I’ve witnessed positive changes over the years, with many of my friends and relatives challenging patriarchal customs and rituals – we refused to carry on customs and rituals we found very patriarchal and our husbands agreed. I am optimistic that this trend will continue, leading to a more balanced and inclusive approach to marriage celebrations.
This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla in collaboration with Mads’ Cookhouse.
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Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
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