It is 11.30 at night – late but not so late that I should be bone tired and ready to drop off to sleep anytime. And why am I so tired? Because last night I came back from attending a close family wedding and if you are an Indian or have attended an Indian wedding, you will know what I mean. Even though we are a very diverse people – and the customs and nitty gritties of the wedding rituals across India are quite different from each other, I can confidently say that all of them are long tiring affairs and at the same time absolutely fun to be part of!
My own wedding and those of my sister’s, cousins’ and close friends’ had happened 15-20 years ago and it had been a while since we had a wedding in next of kin. and we were all looking forward to the fun, music and entertainment. The entire four-day affair kept taking me back to my own wedding and those of my friends and cousins. And now that my mind is full of snapshots of weddings, let me take you through some of those.
The anticipation
This wedding was a family affair on my husband’s side, and the excitement started building up weeks in advance. With me being in another country, my husband took charge of our family shopping. Together with his mother, they went on a whirlwind shopping spree, bouncing from one shop to another. We had video calls at every stop to pick out the perfect outfits for ourselves and the kids. This also involved going through the treasure of sarees collected (rarely worn) over the years, choosing the ones right for the occasion and ordering new ones. And don’t get me started on the jewelry – every piece meticulously matched with the sarees! My husband even rediscovered his love for formal wear and had bespoke clothes tailored. The end result? A sight to behold!
Selecting the perfect gift!
Now choosing the gift is not an easy decision and has multiple dimensions. In India we don’t follow the simple method of the gift registry. So the decision is like participating in a high-stakes game show where one has to achieve a delicate balance between tradition and practicality. Should we go with the timeless gift of a precious metal, or jewelry or opt for the latest kitchen gadget that might actually get used? And let’s not forget the endless debates over the perfect combination of cash and gold—because nothing says ‘congratulations’ like a little financial security wrapped in shiny metal!!
You also need to have a memory like an elephant because you need to remember what you gave to other relatives years ago – because you see one has to maintain a certain equality! One of my aunts for instance, gave exactly the same type of jewelry sets to all the brides in her close family over the years.
And finally, while the gift is meant for the newly wed couple, it is very very important to think about what the other relatives will think of the gift! Because all gifts are opened and displayed to the whole family!!
While on the topic of gifts, let also talk about the other gifting that happens! A lot of gifts are given and exchanged and everything is displayed for the rest to see. I remember when a day before my wedding, family from husband’s side came to visit us and displayed all the sarees and jewelry that were being gifted to me!! Our entire side came to see the display! This time, I was the one that led the bandwagon and took the gifts for the girls family to see! There is much love in this – each gift wrapped and decorated beautifully and lovely messages written for the bride on each of them.
The Wedding
Indian weddings are a grand affair – regardless of the economic status. Everyone does their best in whatever means they have. Steeped in tradition and festivity, the celebrations span three to four days of non-stop celebration, in a whirlwind of rituals, ceremonies, and festivities that leave both guests and participants utterly exhausted.
We drove ten hours from Delhi to Bhilwara taking a break in between at Jaipur. Needless to say, we were dog tired by the time we reached but all the fatigue melted as soon as we got out of the car and were greeted with loud music and dance!
The next morning started with festivities, customs and rituals which went on non- stop for 3 days till we welcomed the bride! There were 2-3 functions every day which meant a change of clothes and jewelry every time!! Each day brought with it a flurry of activity and emotion – on day one we were all left emotional as the groom’s maternal grandmother and mother cried through the ceremony. I also remembered a cousin’s wedding where she cried through her entire mehendi function – I suppose the thought of leaving her family left her bereft.
And finally the wedding itself! I still don’t know why, but often the muhurt (the ausipicious time) for the wedding ceremony is late night or midnight. So, the guests come and wish the bride and groom, have their dinner and leave. For the actual ceremony only a handful of close friends and relatives are left. I don’t know how but after all the merry making, we still find the energy to stay awake all night for the ceremony! I guess the adrenaline and laughter and giggles keep us awake!
By the time the final ceremony concludes, everyone is left feeling physically drained but emotionally uplifted.
But behind the glitter lie age old patriarchal norms
However much I enjoy Indian weddings, there are many customs and rituals that I am very uncomfortable with. To begin with, usually it is not a marriage between equals. There’s often an underlying expectation for the bride’s family to provide substantial dowries and lavish gifts to the groom’s family as also a larger financial burden on the bride’s family for all the festivities. Thankfully, in my close family we have neither given or received dowry, but the culture is rampant.
Small systems such as the bride bringing gifts for even the extended family when she comes to the groom’s house have always left me wondering why the groom’s family does not reciprocate with gifts for the bride’s extended family. In one ceremony, the family of the mother of the bride/groom gives gifts to the family of the bride/groom’s father! The inequality continues even after years of marriage!
And then often in the quest to outdo one another and uphold societal expectations, families often find themselves caught in a whirlwind of extravagance. Opulent venues, designer clothing, lavish food, dancers from Ukraine – you name it and it would have been done in some wedding. The wedding industry in India is quite huge, but it becomes a problem when people take unnecessary financial burden just to show off their wealth. Of course we have torch bearer such as the Ambanis who recently conducted a pre-wedding event rumoured to have cost a 1000crore INR (~USD135 million).
To Conclude
Lastly, I want to express my love for Indian weddings, which serve as a wonderful gathering place for reuniting with relatives and friends, and fostering closer bonds within families. At this recent wedding, I had the pleasure of meeting some of my husband’s cousins whom I had only heard about, and it was heartwarming to see our children form strong friendships and revel in the festivities together. The whirlwind of joy and celebration that accompanies these weddings is truly unparalleled.
However, I do hope that people remain mindful of their financial limitations and avoid excessive spending. Moreover, I believe it’s important for weddings to evolve towards greater equality in customs and traditions. I’ve witnessed positive changes over the years, with many of my friends and relatives challenging patriarchal customs and rituals – we refused to carry on customs and rituals we found very patriarchal and our husbands agreed. I am optimistic that this trend will continue, leading to a more balanced and inclusive approach to marriage celebrations.
This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla in collaboration with Mads’ Cookhouse.
x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x
Thanks so much for reading! Please comment, share and spread the word!
Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
You can find me at:
Blog: https://tripleamommy.com/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/tripleamommmyInsta: https://www.instagram.com/tripleamommmy/ FB page: https://www.facebook.com/Tripleamommy-2101887313189940
Pinterest: https://in.pinterest.com/tripleamommmy/
Do consider buying my book “Raising Capable Children” that shares hundreds of tips and ideas on bringing up confident children. See below for buying options.
India – Amazon: https://amzn.to/3j3QSrx ; Flipkart: https://www.flipkart.com/raising-capable-children/p/itm2134c13e7108f?pid=9789390267033; FirstCry: https://www.firstcry.com/StoryMirror/StoryMirror-Raising-Capable-Children-English/8472753/product-detail?q=as_raising%20capable%20children
For US and UK- https://www.amazon.com/dp/939026703X ; https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/939026703X
Cannot see anything
Hi. Please re-read. I was updating the post. Thanks!
Indian weddings are so exciting and full of fun, but they can also be tiring! From shopping for the perfect outfit to choosing the right gift, there’s a lot to do. And the celebrations last for days, with lots of rituals and ceremonies. But sometimes, there are customs that make us uncomfortable, like the expectation for the bride’s family to give dowries. Still, weddings bring families together and create lasting memories.
Indian weddings are super fun to attend. The festivities and the days full of fun and frolic, make it a highlight event, something we will remember over the years. Thankfully due to the trend these days, all the ceremonies are so beautifully captured and coordinated, which wasn’t possible a decade ago.
All Indian weddings are extravagant events, no matter how wealthy the couple is. Everyone uses their resources to the fullest extent possible. Rich in custom and joy, the festivities last for three to four days straight, involving a flurry of ceremonies, rites, and celebrations that wears out both attendees and participants.
It is my sincere wish that individuals continue to be aware of their financial constraints and refrain from overspending. Furthermore, I think it’s critical that wedding customs and traditions change in a way that promotes greater equality.I have high hopes that this trend will continue and result in a more inclusive and fair celebration of marriage.
These days we get to witness so many celebrity weddings that the concept of the big fat Indian wedding and destination weddings is reaching ever corner of India. Thankfully, where I come from Sakshi, there is no expectation from either the bride or the groom’s side… the girl can be literally sent to the sasural in one set of clothes and nothing else and she will be accepted whole heartedly. Our weddings are fun but not too extravagant and is a single day affair. However, of late I see that the culture is changing… the celebrations last for 3-4 days… all thanks to the social media influence.
While I haven’t attended any wedding in decades, one must surely remember to not waste. Extravagance for some can be deadly for many families. You are right about gifts, one has to work hard on that!
I couldn’t help but feel a sense of nostalgia reading about the anticipation leading up to the wedding, the meticulous gift selection process, and the whirlwind of festivities that ensue. At the same time, I appreciate your candid reflections on the patriarchal norms that often underlie these celebrations. Your willingness to confront uncomfortable truths and advocate for greater equality is both commendable and inspiring.
I feel Indian weddings are fun but only for guests, they are burdensome for the families of the bride and groom especially for the adults in the family. I can never understand why there’s this need to splurge extravagantly on weddings. I asked the same question to my mother and she said ki karna padta hai. I just don’t understand.
Dowry disguised as “gifts” and justified with lines like “to make the bride feel comfortable” are what irk me the most. Having said that, I’ve seen my own family and friends indulge in it and could do nothing about it because I’ve always learned to pick my battles. But just like you, despite all the guised patriarchy and sexism, I love Indian weddings. They’re a festival in itself. I love reminiscing my memories with weddings through this post, so thank you for sharing your experience, Sakshi
Another thought-provoking but light-hearted take on Indian weddings by you Sakshi!
The part about the thoughts that go into selecting the right gift was gold 🙂
Attending Indian weddings is always a blast! The celebrations, filled with joy and excitement, create unforgettable memories that last a lifetime. Living abroad, I truly miss the vibrant and lively atmosphere of Indian weddings.
I haven’t been to any wedding lately but very soon will be attending my friend’s daughter’s wedding in kerela. I just can’t wait to see their customs and rituals as they are very different from up north where I come from. Indian weddings are so colorful and full of life. Love them.
In today’s era, the prevalence of celebrity weddings has popularized the concept of grand Indian weddings and destination ceremonies, reaching every part of the country. Fortunately, in our Bengalee community there exists a refreshing departure from such expectations. Exceptions are there and I can’t deny it. Here, there are no stringent demands from either the bride or groom’s family. A bride can arrive at her new home with whatever parents can give, and she would be embraced wholeheartedly into her new family. Our weddings are characterized by their simplicity and warmth, typically condensed into a single day for wedding and another day for reception from the groom’s side. However, recent trends suggest a shifting landscape. Influenced by the pervasive reach of social media, celebrations now separate haldi ceremony, sangeet, mehendi deviating from the traditional customs. Mehendi and sangeet is not even a part of Bengalee custom but people are doing it. Even in our time dancing of the bride is also considered a crime and underclass behaviour.
The shift towards extended celebrations and lavish ceremonies reflects the evolving influence of modern trends on traditional practices. While the essence of familial acceptance and warmth remains intact, external influences have begun to reshape the dynamics of wedding celebrations. The rise of social media has contributed to this transformation, as couples seek to showcase their love and commitment through extravagant events that garner attention and admiration online.As we embrace the change in wedding culture, it’s essential to preserve the core values that define our traditions while embracing the opportunities for creativity and expression offered by modern influences. In doing so, we can strike a harmonious balance between tradition and innovation, ensuring that our celebrations remain meaningful and authentic to our tradition. In regards to the gift part there is strict no recording or maintenance of data is done of the gifts given by invitees. In our culture we believe everyone is giving what they can best to bless and wish the couple and that not to be compared or matched with what you gave them or wish to give them in their family weddings. But after being in North India for some time I can see the norms are totally different. A member of the wedding family is sitting with a pen and notebook to note what, who and how much they are giving as a gift to the couple. I stupidly asked once whats the need for this and the family looked at me in such a weird way and answered we need to make sure that we give that much atleast if not less to their family in other functions or wedding of their families. I really find it demeaning feature of events out here and dislike it completly.
Oh yes! last month was my husband’s sister’s daughter’s wedding. It was fun but so tiring. Yes, there’s a lot f patriarchy in the rituals, but they are so much imbibed in our culture that we cannot overlook them. And gifts…oh how much we discussed about gifts!
So very true. These days, the number of functions is unlimited. And it gets tiring after a point. With close family, you can’t really skip them. But they are also a way to get together. Otherwise, people rarely have the time to visit each other anymore. Even when in the same city.
Wow, the way you described the weddings is fantastic. Being mindful about expenses is also so important. This was so fulfiling to read.
Your reflection on Indian weddings resonates deeply with me, especially after my recent wedding. It was such a joyous occasion, bringing together loved ones from near and far. I cherished every moment of it. My husband and I also made conscious decisions to challenge outdated traditions, prioritizing equality and inclusivity in our celebration.
Big fat Indian weddings are a mega business venture and won’t see subtlety anytime soon. Nowadays I just attend weddings to eat merrily, wear nice clothes and enjoy the performances. Nothing has or will change as long as people are ready to take unnecessarily financial load.
Indian weddings are all about being extravagant no wonder we have the term big fat Indian weddings. I absolutely love the dressup food and fun
Weddings are so much fun! especially when you are a guest, and a close friend at that! I agree with you that while it is joyous, there is a need for many changes, and it begins with each bride and groom making that choice.
I am generally not a wedding person because I love my sleep. And mainly in North India, weddings mean killing your sleep entirely. However, I completely agree with the patriarchal norms around marriage. I still feel that some traditions are just not worth it.
Weddings here in India a bliss to attend. The fun the gathering and all the masti is amazing. I love your take on Indian weddings
Indian weddings are so much fun …my cousin wedding is next month ..and one from now only I have started thinking about the functions and dress for the respective functions..purses on each dress …etc ..hahah
Indian weddings are indeed completely unique!