31st December. The last day of the year. A good time to sit back and reflect on the year that just whizzed past. The year that has made us that much richer with more lived experiences and learnings.
Well, my 2023 was kind of strange – life simultaneously oscillated between a state of flux and in limbo. Yeah, I know it sounds weird. Hence, the title of this post.
I guess for a large part of the year, my mind was in a state of restlessness and tumult, often in limbo, awaiting results and decisions beyond my control, but having a high impact on my life. The year was dotted with unrealized aspirations, disappointments and tough decisions. We also lost my father-in-law, quite early on in the new year, setting a grim tone for the coming months.
The last few months have been kinder, I have better clarity on the way ahead and a lot to look forward to in the next year.
2023 was also significant in the sense that it marked 5 years of the many sweeping changes that were put in motion in 2018. The 5th year of starting my blog. The 5th year of losing my father. The 5th year of my introduction to Central Asia. The 5th and last year of the mammoth project that brought me to Central Asia, introduced me to a new team, new colleagues and new friends.
Regardless of how the year went, today as I write this post, I am sitting in a serene place, away from the hustle and bustle of the city, surrounded by close family, assured in the knowledge that they have my back no matter what happens or where life takes me. I am at peace.
A profound lesson re-learnt
I talked about being restless for a large part of 2023. I realise now that I was partly responsible for that. Without going into details, let us say that I was seeking something this year. Something I wanted very much. Having always believed in working hard for my dreams and doing everything within my ability to achieve them, I put myself to work. Paulo Coelho’s quote, “…and when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” is my mantra.
Despite putting all my efforts into this wish – it remained elusive. The more elusive it became, the more frustrated I was. The more frustrated I became, the harder I pushed myself. But trying hard didn’t bring it any nearer and my mind went into a vicious loop harming my mental health. I felt like a butterfly trapped in a glass jar, continually fluttering my wings and banging against the glass wall. Futile attempts. All of them. All I ended up doing was work myself into a state of turmoil.
In trying desperately hard, I forgot that while the universe will bring you what you want, it does not promise when. It does not give you a deadline. And sometimes one just needs to take a step back and let things unfold. Things will happen when they are meant to. (I hate this thought frankly, but one does have to give into it at times and simply let go.)
The importance of letting go is best elucidated in another favourite quote. It used to hang on my parent’s bedroom door and my mom would often quote it to us. “Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will softly come and sit on your shoulder”. It is true not only of happiness, but other things too.
And indeed, once I let go, things became clearer and the goal less elusive.
So, the big lesson I re-learnt was that one needs to achieve a balance between trying hard and letting go.
Stressing myself out ….and coming back up
Naturally all that frustration and disappointment impacted my mental health. I had started 2023 on a high, with some great expectations. But unfortunately, within the first few months, I fell into a state of deep stress. I was not able to understand the reason why at that time. Much later, I could fully understand what might have caused it, but at that moment, I just found myself struggling. My dreams those days were full of dark, swirling waters, threatening to consume me. I noticed however, that in all those dreams, I didn’t drown ever and found some consolation in that.
At my wit’s end, tormented by the stress, I got out of bed one night and poured out my feelings into a blog post. The next morning the cloud had lifted. It was then that I realized the importance of “Letting Out”. Letting out negative feelings is as important as letting go.
For the rest of the year, even though I experienced stressful times, I never went back to those dark depths. I hope I never do either.
The domino effect
I am proud to say that I was able to manage my work and personal life very well, despite a turbulent mind. But something had to give. That turned out to be my writing. All of 2023, I was barely able to write. With all that noise in my head, I just couldn’t concentrate enough and write as often as I would have liked to. A number of ideas came and swirled through my mind, but I could just not summon up the energy or the enthusiasm to capture them and write a post. Hoping that in 2024 I am able to make up because as someone said below – there are many reasons to write.
However, I did push myself to conduct the second season of my blog hop commemorating the ‘International Day of Persons with Disabilities’ and I am so glad I did it. We had some wonderful articles on the theme and I learnt a lot from reading them. You can access all the posts here.
Another plan that went awry was to write and publish my second book this year. I struggled. I interviewed people, put their stories in words, but they were missing something. It was the writer’s block all over again. I just didn’t feel that I was doing justice to the stories I was writing. Hoping to get my mojo back in 2024, I sincerely plan to complete what I had started in 2023. Wish me luck.
But you know, almost everything has a positive to it. Maybe, I was not able to write much in 2023, but I more than made it up by reading a wide variety of books. It’s been a few years since I read so much! (grinning widely as I write this!) Being part of a few book clubs helped and I found some awesome books. Some gave instant gratification, others stayed through, lingering long after I had finished reading them. All the Light we Cannot See was perhaps the best of them all.
My triple A – Arnav, Abeer and Anvay. The lights of my life.
The Triple A grew in leaps and bounds this year. Arnav is ready to surpass his dad’s height and the twins turned 7 in December! Believe me when I say it was a sudden realization that they are not babies anymore (According to Arnav they still are!)!!
In 2022, we took the decision to move Arnav to a boarding school, to give him some stability in his high school years. We zeroed in on a school in late 2022, in early 2023, Arnav cleared the entrance exam and was offered a place at the Kodaikanal International School. Everything happened pretty quickly and as always, my emotions were a little late in kicking in! All seemed well till about a few weeks before he left Almaty. As his departure neared, my heart sank further and deeper! I had not really thought about the void he was going to leave in my life. In July, we went to drop him to his school and were delighted by what we saw and felt confident in leaving him in their care. But the trip back to Delhi was extremely tough. I think my throat had started to ache by the time we landed, having to constantly choke back my tears! A friend had told me that she felt like a piece of her body had been torn out when she sent her son to boarding. I know what she meant. The pain is indeed physical.
This year I also had to finally come to terms with the fact that Anvay needed a wheelchair. Till now we had been pushing him around in a stroller, carrying him in our arms, and he was still my baby. Somewhere I was avoiding the fact that he was 6 already and yet to stand independently. You see, no one likes to buy a wheelchair for their child. But when we did buy him a wheelchair, it was great to see how comfortable and happy he was in it! Physically, his progress has been much slower than I had hoped. Our new year wish for him this year also is that he stands and walks. But cognitively he has developed much more. Even though non-verbal, he is able to communicate most of his needs and wishes. Fingers crossed, I hope he continues to improve.
And Abeer! He has grown into a lovely, kind and confident boy. He also changed schools this year and I was really proud of the way he effortlessly transitioned into his new school and made many new friends. (he still doesn’t eat though!) I have been telling him that once he turns 7, he will be a big boy and become his mumma’s friend! We are both looking forward to our budding friendship in the new year!
Parenting is not easy, not with one and definitely not with three, with one in his teens. Throw a disability into the mix, and you know you are treading a fine line! But with Kapil’s hand in mine and my mom right behind followed by his, I believe we will make it. I cherish the individual bonds we are forging with our boys and hope they become stronger every year.
My hope for 2024
2023 did not go as expected and I doubt 2024 will either. Life will continue to throw surprises. I just hope they are the good kind! I am hoping for some new beginnings and some refreshing change. I do hope to publish my book and write blogs to my heart’s content. During the year-end holidays, I picked up the brush after decades and enjoyed it – so I am hoping to paint some more in 2024 as well.
I hope the triple A make progress in whatever they do, and I hope Kapil’s work finds new successes. I wish good health to both our mothers and a lot of time with their grand children! And also, enough time and enthusiasm to pursue their interests.
The last few years saw us spending more time with my sister’s family and I hope that we are able to continue it. I also hope that we are able to do the same with my brother in law’s family. After all, as I said earlier, it is our families that have our back.
Finally, I do hope for a more peaceful world for my children to grow in.
Amen.
This post is part of The Year & You Blog Hop hosted by Swarnali Nath.
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Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
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