31st December. The last day of the year. A good time to sit back and reflect on the year that just whizzed past. The year that has made us that much richer with more lived experiences and learnings.
Well, my 2023 was kind of strange – life simultaneously oscillated between a state of flux and in limbo. Yeah, I know it sounds weird. Hence, the title of this post.
I guess for a large part of the year, my mind was in a state of restlessness and tumult, often in limbo, awaiting results and decisions beyond my control, but having a high impact on my life. The year was dotted with unrealized aspirations, disappointments and tough decisions. We also lost my father-in-law, quite early on in the new year, setting a grim tone for the coming months.
The last few months have been kinder, I have better clarity on the way ahead and a lot to look forward to in the next year.
2023 was also significant in the sense that it marked 5 years of the many sweeping changes that were put in motion in 2018. The 5th year of starting my blog. The 5th year of losing my father. The 5th year of my introduction to Central Asia. The 5th and last year of the mammoth project that brought me to Central Asia, introduced me to a new team, new colleagues and new friends.
Regardless of how the year went, today as I write this post, I am sitting in a serene place, away from the hustle and bustle of the city, surrounded by close family, assured in the knowledge that they have my back no matter what happens or where life takes me. I am at peace.
A profound lesson re-learnt
I talked about being restless for a large part of 2023. I realise now that I was partly responsible for that. Without going into details, let us say that I was seeking something this year. Something I wanted very much. Having always believed in working hard for my dreams and doing everything within my ability to achieve them, I put myself to work. Paulo Coelho’s quote, “…and when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it” is my mantra.
Despite putting all my efforts into this wish – it remained elusive. The more elusive it became, the more frustrated I was. The more frustrated I became, the harder I pushed myself. But trying hard didn’t bring it any nearer and my mind went into a vicious loop harming my mental health. I felt like a butterfly trapped in a glass jar, continually fluttering my wings and banging against the glass wall. Futile attempts. All of them. All I ended up doing was work myself into a state of turmoil.
In trying desperately hard, I forgot that while the universe will bring you what you want, it does not promise when. It does not give you a deadline. And sometimes one just needs to take a step back and let things unfold. Things will happen when they are meant to. (I hate this thought frankly, but one does have to give into it at times and simply let go.)
The importance of letting go is best elucidated in another favourite quote. It used to hang on my parent’s bedroom door and my mom would often quote it to us. “Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will softly come and sit on your shoulder”. It is true not only of happiness, but other things too.
And indeed, once I let go, things became clearer and the goal less elusive.
So, the big lesson I re-learnt was that one needs to achieve a balance between trying hard and letting go.
Stressing myself out ….and coming back up
Naturally all that frustration and disappointment impacted my mental health. I had started 2023 on a high, with some great expectations. But unfortunately, within the first few months, I fell into a state of deep stress. I was not able to understand the reason why at that time. Much later, I could fully understand what might have caused it, but at that moment, I just found myself struggling. My dreams those days were full of dark, swirling waters, threatening to consume me. I noticed however, that in all those dreams, I didn’t drown ever and found some consolation in that.
At my wit’s end, tormented by the stress, I got out of bed one night and poured out my feelings into a blog post. The next morning the cloud had lifted. It was then that I realized the importance of “Letting Out”. Letting out negative feelings is as important as letting go.
For the rest of the year, even though I experienced stressful times, I never went back to those dark depths. I hope I never do either.
The domino effect
I am proud to say that I was able to manage my work and personal life very well, despite a turbulent mind. But something had to give. That turned out to be my writing. All of 2023, I was barely able to write. With all that noise in my head, I just couldn’t concentrate enough and write as often as I would have liked to. A number of ideas came and swirled through my mind, but I could just not summon up the energy or the enthusiasm to capture them and write a post. Hoping that in 2024 I am able to make up because as someone said below – there are many reasons to write.
However, I did push myself to conduct the second season of my blog hop commemorating the ‘International Day of Persons with Disabilities’ and I am so glad I did it. We had some wonderful articles on the theme and I learnt a lot from reading them. You can access all the posts here.
Another plan that went awry was to write and publish my second book this year. I struggled. I interviewed people, put their stories in words, but they were missing something. It was the writer’s block all over again. I just didn’t feel that I was doing justice to the stories I was writing. Hoping to get my mojo back in 2024, I sincerely plan to complete what I had started in 2023. Wish me luck.
But you know, almost everything has a positive to it. Maybe, I was not able to write much in 2023, but I more than made it up by reading a wide variety of books. It’s been a few years since I read so much! (grinning widely as I write this!) Being part of a few book clubs helped and I found some awesome books. Some gave instant gratification, others stayed through, lingering long after I had finished reading them. All the Light we Cannot See was perhaps the best of them all.
My triple A – Arnav, Abeer and Anvay. The lights of my life.
The Triple A grew in leaps and bounds this year. Arnav is ready to surpass his dad’s height and the twins turned 7 in December! Believe me when I say it was a sudden realization that they are not babies anymore (According to Arnav they still are!)!!
In 2022, we took the decision to move Arnav to a boarding school, to give him some stability in his high school years. We zeroed in on a school in late 2022, in early 2023, Arnav cleared the entrance exam and was offered a place at the Kodaikanal International School. Everything happened pretty quickly and as always, my emotions were a little late in kicking in! All seemed well till about a few weeks before he left Almaty. As his departure neared, my heart sank further and deeper! I had not really thought about the void he was going to leave in my life. In July, we went to drop him to his school and were delighted by what we saw and felt confident in leaving him in their care. But the trip back to Delhi was extremely tough. I think my throat had started to ache by the time we landed, having to constantly choke back my tears! A friend had told me that she felt like a piece of her body had been torn out when she sent her son to boarding. I know what she meant. The pain is indeed physical.
This year I also had to finally come to terms with the fact that Anvay needed a wheelchair. Till now we had been pushing him around in a stroller, carrying him in our arms, and he was still my baby. Somewhere I was avoiding the fact that he was 6 already and yet to stand independently. You see, no one likes to buy a wheelchair for their child. But when we did buy him a wheelchair, it was great to see how comfortable and happy he was in it! Physically, his progress has been much slower than I had hoped. Our new year wish for him this year also is that he stands and walks. But cognitively he has developed much more. Even though non-verbal, he is able to communicate most of his needs and wishes. Fingers crossed, I hope he continues to improve.
And Abeer! He has grown into a lovely, kind and confident boy. He also changed schools this year and I was really proud of the way he effortlessly transitioned into his new school and made many new friends. (he still doesn’t eat though!) I have been telling him that once he turns 7, he will be a big boy and become his mumma’s friend! We are both looking forward to our budding friendship in the new year!
Parenting is not easy, not with one and definitely not with three, with one in his teens. Throw a disability into the mix, and you know you are treading a fine line! But with Kapil’s hand in mine and my mom right behind followed by his, I believe we will make it. I cherish the individual bonds we are forging with our boys and hope they become stronger every year.
My hope for 2024
2023 did not go as expected and I doubt 2024 will either. Life will continue to throw surprises. I just hope they are the good kind! I am hoping for some new beginnings and some refreshing change. I do hope to publish my book and write blogs to my heart’s content. During the year-end holidays, I picked up the brush after decades and enjoyed it – so I am hoping to paint some more in 2024 as well.
I hope the triple A make progress in whatever they do, and I hope Kapil’s work finds new successes. I wish good health to both our mothers and a lot of time with their grand children! And also, enough time and enthusiasm to pursue their interests.
The last few years saw us spending more time with my sister’s family and I hope that we are able to continue it. I also hope that we are able to do the same with my brother in law’s family. After all, as I said earlier, it is our families that have our back.
Finally, I do hope for a more peaceful world for my children to grow in.
Amen.
This post is part of The Year & You Blog Hop hosted by Swarnali Nath.
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Thanks for reading this post. Please like, comment and share!
Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
You can find me at:
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Do consider buying my book “Raising Capable Children” that shares hundreds of tips and ideas on bringing up confident children. See below for buying options.
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For US and UK- https://www.amazon.com/dp/939026703X ; https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/939026703X
Sakshi, good to know about your gone by year. The butterfly and happiness quote is so sweet.
There is a lot that has happened in 2023. But thats what life is all about. Right? You are inspiring in many ways. More power to you.
I just wish to say two things, when you quote Poelo Coelho and the universe, it means you may get there eventually, but it may take much longer than you envisioned. But I also believe in destiny, one can keep trying and hoping but He is the deciding power.
Secondly, I have only recently been reading your blogs and seeing the great work you are doing through your blog and the #idpdbloghop I too participated in, I must say – this is huge, you are making a difference not only for Arnav and the twins and many others. Happy to know you and best wishes to you!
I’ve genuinely missed reading your blog, and I couldn’t find it because I forgot the name. But now, I won’t forget it.
Your honesty about the struggles with your second book is relatable. Writer’s block is tough, but here’s to hoping 2024 brings back that mojo for you! Good luck, and I believe you’ll complete what you started in 2023.
I can really feel the emotion when you talked about how challenging the journey back to Delhi was.
More power to you dear.
Thanks so much Anjali! Really heartening to read your comment. Everyone needs this kind of encouragement once in a while. This year I didn’t write much and did no promotion either. Plan to change that this year.
Sakshi, reading about your children is always a pleasure. How they are growing fast and becoming each other’s support, confidante and cheerleaders, is really something to be amazed. I hope they grow into a kind, humble, honest and pure-hearted human in the future. Lots of love to triple A. Thanks for joining the blog hop, your presence is indeed a privilege for us. Wishing you Happy 2024.
Often in our hurry to achieve things we don’t realise that good things takes time to come and eventually do! I’m glad that you allowed yourself the pause to enjoy your work, family and reading. Hope 2024 inspires you to get back to writing again!
Your resilience in the face of all your challenges is commendable. May your 2024 be kinder and may the Triple A continue to be your pride and joy. Happy 2024!
More power to you and your fam, Sakshi. Your blog hop has been a delight to participate in. I learned so much from the posts. I know the universe and our timing doesn’t match, but I think it doesn’t let our dreams disappear. They are always alive, and the universe gives them to us when we least expect it.
Every mom is brave but you are tough too. Wish you more power in 2024 to fulfill all your dreams.
Heartfelt post, Sakshi.
Hope Triple A do really well. May the lights continue to shine.
Eventful year for you with several 5th anniversary celebrations for you.
2023 did spring surprises.
Hope 2024 is great! Best wishes.
Dear Sakshi,
First of all a big salute to you for being such an inspirational mommy and blogger who helped many others to visualize life in a different way. ❤
I am glad to see how beautifully you are raising your 3 Champs and bringing them up as confident boys 👦 which a talented mommy 👩 soul can do.
Sometimes I also think that after few years I will also send my son to boarding but will I really end up doing up is also a big question in mind. I appreciate your mental strength that you finally end up sending Aarnav to boarding school. When I was imagining your face while returning back after dropping Aarnav in boarding a line from a hindi song 🎵 start singing in my mind ” asu o ko pee gayi… Jane kaisa jee gayi”. Oh strong Sakshi mom 👩 you are really a wonderful and strong mommy.
All your efforts and pains will get rewarded with time …. just wait and watch. The name Aarnav is very close to me as its of my hubby. 😃
You are a strong lady who is unstoppable so keep gaining and win the role. GOD BLESS YOU 💕
My love and best wishes hor your Triple A
Regards
Samata
You are so resilient. More power to you for the year ahead. Love all the quotes you mentioned too.
This was a very inspiring read, Sakshi. It is so true that one must find the balance between going all in and letting go. It is so difficult to let go once you’ve invested so much of yourself into something, but one must learn to. Your post is very personal and heart warming. Wishing you a kind year ahead ❤️.
I just connected you with a triple A battery sitting in front of me. Sometimes it needs a recharge and sometimes it makes things look bright. However your 2023 went, with the 5th year and all that, here’s hoping you make the best of 2024. Do what makes you happy! All the best!
Sorry to hear about your father-in-law. My condolences to you and the family. May his soul R.I.P. I am sure this year you’ll get what you’re working towards and desire to have. All because, as you said, you’ve re-learnt that “One needs to achieve a balance between trying hard and letting go.” You also embraced this feeling and then let it all go, which healed you. All the best for your book and I’m confident you’ll be able to bring it out in 2024. Sending love and strength to you and Anvay. He’s stronger than you think, and with your support, he’ll shine this year. Plus, as you said, you have Kapil and the mothers, and with them by your side, you’ll see through the kids’ growth, with laughter and pride.
Hope 2024 brings you all that you wish, hope for and deserve.
Thanks for sharing Sakshi…best wishes for ’24. Loved the butterfly quote.
Sakshi, I cried as I read your post…honestly. It’s straight from a pure heart that wants good for everyone. May God bless you, your family, your triple A’s and may all your wishes come true. I don’t have words to write, but I’m inspired by the fact that you’re brave and you don’t give up…I hope I an imbibe that spirit. Happy new year.
You are a resilient soul, Sakshi with “never to give up” attitude. May this year bring loads of happiness and fulfils all your dreams. Watching kids grow fast always brings sweet & sour memories to parents.May your three A’s grow up into kind, confident and humble men.
Woah !! What a roller coaster ride it was for you and you have shown exemplary resilience in overcoming every hurdle. I wish you a very happy, kind and beautiful new year ahead. Best wishes.
To live a life worth living is an art that only starts once we learn about the art of striking a balance between trying hard and letting go. You have already got that, dear. At the end of the day or year, that is what matters. I wish you and your family all the happiness in 2024.
Your post hit me hard, Sakshi. Sometimes we feel so trapped but we need to let go and let universe do its thing. I am a big believer in journaling to process my thoughts. It has helped me through some of the darkest phases. Hope 2024 is kind to you.
I’m speechless after reading your honest post, Sakshi. Raising kids is a 24-hour job and when you have three, it’s an achievement. I’ve experienced how it feels like when parents send their children to boarding school. Hugs and best wishes for the new year 🙂
Even I have realized that the happiness we look up to always becomes elusive. Maybe desire is what may be that is keeping happiness away. Hope you have a wonderful 2024 dear
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt and reflective post about your experiences in 2023. Life indeed has its way of throwing unexpected challenges and joys at us, and your words resonate with the roller coaster of emotions that the year brought for you.
I’m truly sorry to hear about the loss of your father-in-law early in the year. Such events set the tone for a difficult journey ahead, and I admire your strength in navigating through the uncertainties that followed.
Your realization about the importance of balance between striving for goals and letting go is profound. It’s a lesson many of us can relate to, and your honesty about the mental toll it took on you is appreciated. Letting out and letting go seem to be the two sides of the same coin, and finding that equilibrium is indeed a lifelong journey.
The updates about your Triple A – Arnav, Abeer, and Anvay – bring a smile. The challenges and joys of parenting, especially with the added layer of a disability, are beautifully expressed. Your hope for their progress and well-being is heartwarming.
I also appreciate your resilience in managing the domino effect on your writing due to the challenges faced. It’s wonderful that you found solace in reading, and I hope the upcoming year brings back the enthusiasm for writing and the completion of your second book.
Wishing you all the luck in achieving your goals in 2024, whether it’s in writing, painting, or any other endeavor. May the new year bring you the positive surprises and refreshing changes you’re hoping for. Your hope for a more peaceful world for your children is shared by many, and let’s all hope for a brighter and harmonious future.
Sakshi, your post is sincere and touching. I wish your kids all the success. May the brightness persist. It seems like you had a busy year with multiple 5th-anniversary celebrations.
Wishing you a fantastic 2024!
Hi Sakshi, I read this the other day and also Tweeted/Xed it out. I’ve been facing a lot of issues in logging into my own blog. Hope this comment gets posted.
Thanks so much!
[…] also managed to blog more, as I was hoping at the beginning of 2024 and managed to host the 3rd edition of the IDPD disability inclusion blog hop. I was joined by 30+ […]