You know sometimes one can get tired of being resilient. Tired of always being expected to handle whatever comes their way. And especially when, in the past, they always have. Even though resilience is a good thing. It is a thing to be proud of. It is what everyone admires in you.
“You are so strong.”
“You handle things so well.”
“I don’t know how you do it.”
And you smile and say thank you, because what else do you say?
But sometimes, being resilient is exhausting. Because resilience is often what we call the ability to keep going when there is no other choice. Not that you chose to be strong – you had to become strong because something needs to be dealt with.
You don’t necessarily learn how to cope because you are particularly wise or emotionally evolved. Sometimes you learn because life keeps handing you things that need coping with.
And after a while, you get very good at it.
You get good at putting one foot in front of the other. At solving the problem. At multitasking work – travel – home – children – spouse – parents – parents in law – siblings – siblings in law……. At reassuring someone else when you are not particularly reassured yourself. At supporting someone else’s dream while pushing your own for future. At restraining yourself, when all you want to do is scream. At choosing your words carefully because you know how much those words might hurt someone else. At swallowing the difficult conversation because you know there is already enough on the other person’s plate. At being the one everyone can lean on, even when you would quite like to lean on someone yourself. At becoming so used to being responsible that asking someone else to take over starts to feel almost unnatural.
People see the functioning part. They don’t always see the effort behind it. And perhaps that is the strange thing about resilience. The better you become at it, the less anyone notices that you are tired.
There comes a point when coping stops feeling like strength and starts feeling like fatigue. Not the kind of tiredness that a good night’s sleep fixes or a long weekend or even a long holiday.
A deeper tiredness. That comes from pulling life with your teeth. The kind Atlas might have felt.
The crisis ends. The problem gets solved. The next thing gets dealt with.
And you keep going. And one day you realise that you are not necessarily looking for strength anymore. You are looking for ease. A little less to think about. A little less to worry about. A little less responsibility.
Nothing profound.
Nothing inspirational.
Just ease.
Just a life that doesn’t require quite so much strength to live.
And if you are tired of being the strong one, tired of carrying what no one else can see, tired of always being the one who can handle it — I see you. And Love You.
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla in collaboration with Ratna Prabha.
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It’s good to be resilient till the time you yourself or other people start taking your resilience for granted. It’s okay to not pretend you are not tired when you actually are tired.
… and when you hit perimenopause or menopause you seem to break. First, there’s the anger at rage as being tuned to as the fixer, the one that can handle this. Please don’t let yourself fall into this trap, it’s lonely. Sure, other may not be as good as you at righting the ship, but they need to learn, too. We are already carrying too much on our plates – sharing the burden is caring. Others may mess up part of the response, they may not handle it as deftly as we could – but we owe it to ourselves to be compassionate with our time and ourselves not to fix every single problem. Learn to hold your response (and tongue) and put yourself first …. For a change. 😘
True!
To be resilient is a strength but one should also learn to withdraw least it adversely effects physically and/or mentally.
I’ve never understood why we choose to be resilient, to just keep doing and move on. Some responsibilities are given, you have to take care of them. But why do we always need to do everything? I guess sometimes, it’s also the way we are. But we all need the rest and the reassurance.
Often enough you don’t have the choice. Depends on what life has handed you.
You said it ! Often enough we have no choice for life has a way of handing you more than you want to.
Resilence is good and that I will always say…. as many times it takes you out from critical problems which seems unmanageble at the first glance. But…… everytime? No I dont want anyone to consider me as granted… after all I am not JACK OF ALL TRADES…..
Such a raw and relatable post. Sometimes we don’t want to be resilient, we just want to pause, breathe, and have someone say, “You don’t have to hold it all together.”
It’s all so true. We really need to un-learn to be so “resilient”.
I can do well relate to what you’ve mentioned here
It is said that God gives problems to those who can bear them well. And i was a quiet, meek, naive woman but i became resilient so much so that people around me were jealous of the fact. Its good to be resilient, dear. It gives you the strength to bear the knocks or else you would crumble, isn’t it?
Ahh the burden of doing it all is real. Resilience becomes invisible labour the moment you get good at it, and then nobody thinks to ask if you’re okay because you’ve never given them a reason to.
This hit so deep. That line about resilience often not being a choice, just what happens when life keeps handing you things to cope with, is so true. Sometimes people just need to hear “you don’t have to hold it all together,” not another compliment on how strong they are. Thank you for putting this into words.
Thanks for understanding 🙂
Well, I would say that it is not necessary to be available at times, get exhausted, and experience burnout. It is better to set your boundaries, rest, and say no sometimes for the sake of your own good.
This really resonates with me. Sometimes, being strong for everyone else means quietly neglecting your own need for care, comfort and support. I believe we all deserve a life where we don’t always have to be resilient, where we can let our guard down, ask for help and simply feel at peace. ❤️
Thank you!
This touches me. Resilience is often times about stepping up and it becomes a habit, part of character and identify. For oneself and the family around. But the exhaustion is to the bone….I hear you when you say deep tiredness..love and hugs to you…from someone who is experiencing this. I hope we live to see this gone someday and get hold of lives the way we desire it…
You take care as well. Hugs.