I am sitting in an empty house right now. Other than the hum of my housekeeper going about her daily chores, the occasional screech of the seagull outside my window, the hum of the fan and the click clack on my laptop keypad, there’s complete silence. It is almost impossible to believe that just over a month ago, this house was full of noise and laughter of 14 people! Yes, you read right, I had 14 people at my house – my lovey large family – and the house was a din of activity and noise. Children running through the rooms – screaming, adults trying unsuccessfully to control them – ending up screaming!! I don’t know what was louder – kids making noise or us adults scolding them!
Then one by one, everyone left. Two days ago, Arnav also flew back to India. And now, it seems even my house is in a state of shock, wondering where all that noise that once reverberated through its walls has disappeared.
The coexistence of yearning and contentment
But the human brain is funny – it could both like and dislike the same thing at the same exact time. So, while my heart yearns for my babies, my husband and mom, it also welcomes this peaceful existence! I take deep breaths, put on a romcom and just be! And let my mind wander. It ends up being a time of reflection and gathering my energies. In a way it helps that I am alone.
And with this newfound peace of mind, my thoughts naturally turn to writing – communicating with you, my reader. It has been a couple of months since I wrote. No surprises there – I have been crazy busy, the last six months especially – travelling every other week. Leaving no time or mind space to write. But that does not mean I didn’t have ideas or thoughts on what to write. The mind was constantly bubbling, thinking about the latest thought I would like to pen down. I read a book, I want to discuss it with you. There is an interesting discussion on a whatsapp group, I want to let you in on it.
I have actually missed you! Missed sharing my thoughts, missed hearing back from you. Even if I don’t know you, the fact that you are reading my words right now, creates a link between us. Our minds have connected. You, my reader are a very important part of my life.
As I enjoy my solitude, I reflect on recent discussions on loneliness with friends, in group chats, in books I read recently. I have always distinguished between loneliness and solitude. While I consider loneliness a negative emotion, linked to a degree of sadness, solitude on the other hand spells contentment to me. A certain wholeness of the self. And I have always welcomed it. Even as a child I loved times when I was alone at home, peacefully reading or drawing or just enjoying music.
Two sides of the same coin
And you know, loneliness and solitude are but two sides of the same coin. They are housed together in the same person, at the same time. Loneliness is not always about having company. You could be in a relationship and still be lonely. You could have a lot of friends and still be lonely. Loneliness perhaps is just the absence of being understood, of being unable to share your thoughts, your emotions, the lack of someone who understands. The feeling that you are not seen, not known, or not significant in the eyes of those around you. It is the absence of a meaningful connection.
When loneliness found me
I remember when I moved out of India, I left behind my social circle, my colleagues who had become friends, my entire professional network, in many ways my identity. I had to start from scratch. In a new country – where I did not know the language. There was no lack of excitement, everything was new, I loved my job, it was fulfilling. I loved my new city, enthralled by the new experiences. But underneath that all, there was always a sense of discomfort, a certain hollowness at the pit of my stomach. I never really understood it. Till a few years later, when I friend of mine moved and I asked her how well she had settled. She said that while her kids were quick to settle, she was taking time – it was tough to have left behind everything and everyone.
Then the penny dropped. What I had been feeling was isolation. Starting from scratch might have been stimulating – but that didn’t take care of the fact that you remained an outsider. You couldn’t merely walk into an office conversation – because it was in a language you didn’t understand – you couldn’t laugh at the jokes being cracked around – you couldn’t just network at a conference unless you had an interpreter with you. Was not easy to simply make friends with locals because, well, you just couldn’t talk to them! But finally, when I understood what was bothering me, I decided to make amends especially when I moved to another country. Because loneliness can be corrosive – it can gnaw at your self image, self confidence.
Can we ever escape loneliness?
No. I don’t think one can ever completely avoid being lonely. As my friend Manish says, “No amount of money, relationships or luxuty can fill the void inside of us” No one can ever fully understand you – you are only one who can truly understand what you are going through or feeling. Your friends, your soulmate, your family can be there for you, protect you, support you, but you are ultimately living your own life, feeling your feelings, experiencing your joys and pains.
So do not be afraid to be alone. Solitude can be a source of immense strength. It can be a time to reflect, to understand ourselves a little better, to grow, or simply to do things we enjoy. Reading a good book, sitting quietly in nature, thinking, creating, or even just letting our minds wander. Solitude brings a sense of peace. It comes from being comfortable in our own company and finding contentment within ourselves. Solitude refreshes us. It gives us the space to pause, recharge, and heal ourselves.
Make room for solitude
I just want to leave you with two thoughts. Firstly, I don’t think we can ever fully eliminate loneliness from our lives. It will come and go. Perhaps we just need to learn to embrace solitude more than we are scared of loneliness.
And finally, I was watching this movie – P.S. I love you – and in the end Holly’s mother tells her, “If we are all alone, then we are together in that too”. I found comfort in that thought – we are all perhaps never as alone as we might think. Loneliness and solitude are both part of being human – they coexist in us. We just need to give solitude more space.
If you are looking for some inspiration, check out some of my posts here and I would especially recommend the following:
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla
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Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
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