“But you are THE MOTHER”, said 8-year-old Abeer, this evening – with the righteous authority of a disciplinarian. He was suggesting that I take over all the work from Anvay’s nanny because she is a couple of years older than me. And because of course, I am THE MOTHER, I should have probably been doing it all in any case. Never mind, I have a full time job as well on the side. And he often reminds me that I am THE MOTHER whenever I guess he feels I am not doing the job well (e.g. getting him dressed in the morning, dropping him to the bus, cooking for him and so on and so forth)!
But after all, indeed, I AM his mother and know perfectly well how to get out of all these expectations – which by the way he and his brothers will thank me for one day!
So, what’s the JD of the MOTHER?
From what the world (and your kids) will have you believe – dear mother your job description includes everything from – “mother knows best”, to healthy nutritious meals to ensuring all hw is done and your child excels from studies to sports to everything in between, to arranging birthdays and being present at every school event to well basically everything including being responsible for your child’s future success.
But no. I rebel. No, I don’t always know the best – maybe it is someone else with more experience who may know better than me – so please don’t put me under pressure with those expectations. And no, I definitely have no inclination or interest in cooking – so yes, my poor children are definitely never going to remember, “maan ke haath ka khaana”, and yes, I monitor my kids studies, but I have my bandwidth limitations too and the part I really enjoy the most is arranging the birthday parties.
I love being the lazy mom….
I have a full-time job. I travel a lot. I’m passionate about what I do. And I’m a mother. Which means I’m often juggling — and dropping a few balls along the way. But that is absolutely okay.
So, I am happy to be the imperfect, lazy mother, who has no guilt telling her children to scoot when she wants her alone time.
So I don’t hover.
I don’t micromanage.
And I definitely don’t have a colour-coded calendar of activities.
And I delegate.
I am perfectly happy if the nanny takes over. Or if my kids are happy spending time with their grandmothers and even more so when they love their “nani-dadi ke haath ka khaana”. I am happy to go drop Abeer to the bus stop, the day I didn’t work late the night before, but otherwise I am perfectly fine if he goes with the nanny.
But doing less doesn’t mean caring less
I make sure I am always available to talk. I believe my elder one is comfortable enough to discuss anything – or at least most things with me. And now that Abeer is 8, we have also started having ‘mature’ conversations.
When I don’t hover, my kids are learning to manage themselves and take ownership of their mistakes. I leave the ipad out of reach, but in full view of Abeer – and he knows he has to show his discipline and not take it. When he slips and tries to cheat his way – he knows he doesn’t get the ipad for the next time. He is working to be responsible and trustworthy.
When Arnav does not do well in exams, we discuss what went wrong, but ultimately, he knows it is for him to figure out how to do better. His dad and I are just there to support. By now he knows that if he wants to go to a certain university, he is the one who will need to work hard for it.
And as for cooking – well I hope the boys start cooking for themselves as they get older – so that they can feed me as well. If nothing else, at least I can enjoy, beton ke haath ka khaana!
So, my version of lazy is really just letting go of the myth that a good mother must be everything, everywhere, all at once. Its okay to drop the ball sometimes.
This blog post is part of ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’
hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.
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Regards, Sakshi aka tripleamommy
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